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EARL'S WORLD

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May 29

Political Science for Dummies

Political Science for Dummies
DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful..
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk..
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature'
s private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half..
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither..
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They
  make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold
likes the ones with the big udders.
March 15

SOUTHERN RULES!

If you are going to live or visit in the South, you need to know these rules.
 
 1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
 
 2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get out of the way.
 
 3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent.
 
 4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old.  Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
 
 5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for -- bait.
 
 6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
 
 7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.
 
 8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak.  Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. 

 9. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet.  Y ou want it hot -- sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened -- add a lot of water.
 
 10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
 
 11. So you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.
 
 12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
 
 13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast). We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.
 
 14. We don't do "hurry up" well.
 
 15. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.
 
 16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream (pronounced brim)  and carp. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop
.
 
 17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 85 goes two ways - Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.
 
 18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want Cream of  Wheat - go to Kansas. That would be I-40 west.
 
 19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.
 
 20. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
 
 21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators - and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.
 
 22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot -- his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is. 

 

23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.
 
 24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature -- all four of them -- enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner.
 
 25. No, we don't care how you do things up North. If it is so great up there, why not visit a Northern state or stay there? And no, down here, we don't have an accent, you do.

 

March 01

HAPPY MARDI GRAS!

Today I spent a few hours mowing the grass in my back yard. During this job I happen to run over several red ant mounds. After running over these mounds I couldn’t help but wonder what the ants thought of this. Was this some sort of catastrophe like Hurricane Katrina to them? One minute they are happy and content in their little ant lives and all of a sudden there community is destroyed by some outside force. Was my mower like some kind of natural disaster to them? Was A.N.N. (Ant News Network) on the site and reporting about all the ant deaths and the lost ant families? Was there much finger (or what ever ants have) pointing and blaming on their Government officials? Where was AEMA (Ant Emergency Management Agency)? Where was the Queen? What did she know about the disaster and when did she know it? Were there various Ant leaders crying about the fate of the poor and disenfranchised black ants? Were there Ant looters and Ant disaster survivors looking for food? Did the Ant police walk off the job in disgust or fear or because of depression? Did lots of Ant celebrities show up to pose for the A.N.N. cameras and make statements about some far off war the Queen had her army ants fighting against some terrorist bees. Did the Queen bring in Army Ant Special Forces and Army Ant National Guard to patrol the neighbor hoods? Were there cries of antmanity from all over the Ant word? Will hearings be held on the Government failure to protect the ants from this “natural” disaster?

I doubt that any of this took place. Watching the ants, they scrambled around and started doing their job rebuilding their home with out assistance from the government or disaster agencies. They took care of themselves. They worked to rebuild themselves. Their mounds will probably be rebuilt with in a few days and I’ll have to rain death and destruction upon them again as I just can’t stand red ants as I’m allergic to them. Ant mounds work as a cohesive unit, building and supplying food and caring for their queen. We, humans, on the other hand work as an individual unit. What happened in New Orleans has many faults and much blame to go around. Should New Orleans still be in the news? I don’t really have the answer to that. Being from Louisiana and seeing what is going on here with the “rebuilding” plans and looking at what is being done in Mississippi and Alabama and Texas all I can assume is that New Orleans is trying come back. Like the ants, it has lots of people both local and outside workers helping to rebuild New Orleans. There are lots of people displaced and unable to return. We have all read the stories of the evacuees in the hotels pissing and moaning about getting tossed out on their collective asses. Where are they going to go and what are they going to do? Well, I really don’t give a fuck. It has been 6 months since the hurricane and you haven’t gotten a job or and apartment or other housing yet? Sorry, fuck you. Get up off of your damn welfare ass and do something. Become a productive member of society. Those people that had jobs, owned property and contributed to the city are welcome back. If you were a welfare rat, well, you can get welfare anywhere. Don’t come back.

I say, take the 9th ward and let all that property be sold at fare market value to the highest bidder and let the rebuilding begin. Take it and sell it to the mega casinos/resorts out of Las Vegas. Give them huge tax breaks but demand they build a casino/resort of a certain minimum size. Make New Orleans the Las Vegas of the south. To do that we of course would need to elect some “Good” people and get rid of all the old ass cronies that are there now. I say redo the entire state levee board system to just 1 maybe 2 levee boards and staff them with engineers that know what they are doing. Not what they have now. Louisiana needs a complete redo of its political system. From local levels all the way up to the state level.

New Orleans just had its first Mardi Gras since the hurricane. It was small and crowds were less but it was still a party none the less. Good for them. They needed it. With that all said I’ll end this with La Lazie Bon Temps Rouler, LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL!

January 08

I never get a bartender like this.

 

Quote

Performance Bartending
This is kind of like Cocktail, except that it doesn't have that ridiculous Beach Boys song in it.


Courtesy of IFILM
December 15

The Seven Days of Christmas (for Katrina Survivors)

The Twelve Days of Post-Katrina Christmas


On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
The power turned back on by Entergy.

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
Two rubber gloves
And the power turned back on by Entergy.

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
Three flood adjusters
Two rubber gloves
And the power turned back on by Entergy.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
Four jugs of bleach
Three flood adjusters
Two rubber gloves
And the power turned back on by Entergy.

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
Five MREs!
Four jugs of bleach
Three flood adjusters
Two rubber gloves
And the power turned back on by Entergy.

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
Six FEMA payments
Five MREs!
Four jugs of bleach
Three flood adjusters
Two rubber gloves
And the power turned back on by Entergy.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
Seven sacks of sheetrock
Six FEMA payments
Five MREs!
Four jugs of bleach
Three flood adjusters
Two rubber gloves
And the power turned back on by Entergy.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
Eight electricians wiring
Seven sacks of sheetrock
Six FEMA payments
Five MREs!
Four jugs of bleach
Three flood adjusters
Two rubber gloves
And the power turned back on by Entergy.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
Nine sweepers sweeping
Eight electricians wiring
Seven sacks of sheetrock
Six FEMA payments
Five MREs!
Four jugs of bleach
Three flood adjusters
Two rubber gloves
And the power turned back on by Entergy.

On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
Ten dump trucks hauling
Nine sweepers sweeping
Eight electricians wiring
Seven sacks of sheetrock
Six FEMA payments
Five MREs!
Four jugs of bleach
Three flood adjusters
Two rubber gloves
And the power turned back on by Entergy.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
Eleven roofers roofing
Ten dump trucks hauling
Nine sweepers sweeping
Eight electricians wiring
Seven sacks of sheetrock
Six FEMA payments
Five MREs!
Four jugs of bleach
Three flood adjusters
Two rubber gloves
And the power turned back on by Entergy.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
Twelve plumbers plumbing
Eleven roofers roofing
Ten dump trucks hauling
Nine sweepers sweeping
Eight electricians wiring
Seven sacks of sheetrock
Six FEMA payments
Five MREs!
Four jugs of bleach
Three flood adjusters
Two rubber gloves
And the power turned back on by Entergyyyyy! PLEASE! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!


December 04

Recent trip to New Orleans

Recently I made a trip to New Olreans to check things out for myself. I rode down to the Lakeside area of the city. This is where the first levee gave way. On this site you will see some of the pictures from that trip. You really can't describe it. You hear the news assholes refer to it as looking like a war zone. I had always thought that was not right.......until I saw it for myself. I really didn't feel anything while I was looking and taking pictures. No sorrow, no greif...nothing. I was indeed stunned though. You can't imagine the damage. You see piles and piles of debris piled by the street. Each day this is hauled off and dumped. You come off the interstate and there is a huge area where they are dumping the trees that have been uprooted and cut up. As you ride down the street every  house is affected. Some housed you see watermarks above the windows. Some you see no watermarks on the walls at all, those watermarks are on the roofs. There are huge X's painted on the doors or walls of houses and on the sides of cars. There is a date on the top of the X and a number at the bottom. That is the date that house was inspected and the number at the bottom are the number of dead found there. Where we were driving around we saw only 2 places that had dead found there. One was and apartment complex, 30 dead there and a house, 3 dead there. We managed to get to the levees that broke and you will see those pics here as well. If we would have had more time we would have traveled into  more areas. One area we went into where 2nd levee broke, I'm assuming it is the 9th ward, it was totally silent. It was erie. No children playing, no car horns blowing, no music playing. Nothing, just plain old dead silence. We drove about 10 minutes from there into the French Quarter and it was a whole different scene there. It was business as usual which is very very good. The city needs that. Still though, it is an odd feeling. We saw a few hotels with some windows blown out and covered up but not all that bad. We ate lunch, walked around a bit and finished it off at Cafe Du Monde'. As we headed out we passed by the Hyatt Regency and it was still a mess. All of the windows are gone. I thought about the fantastic resturant they have at the top of the Regency that revolves around in a circle as you eat. You have a fantastic view of the city and it makes one circle during about the time it takes you to order and get your meal and finish eating. I guess that will be no more. The SuperDome you couldn't even tell what had happend there. There were 2 huge trucks out front with some kind of fan generator and I'm assuming that there were blowing air through huge  hoses to dry things out. The ceiling looked to be repaired. I hope to go down there again before too long and take more pictures. After viewing all the devistation, I still do not  hold the federal goverment responsible, I hold our local and state officials responsible. Thats my opinion and I'm sticking to it. Check out the pic and then pray for the recovery of New Orleans.
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