EARL'S WORLD

Political Science for Dummies

Mon, 29 May 2006 14:20:50 GMT

Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRATIC	You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful.. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN	You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
SOCIALIST	You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST	You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE	You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE	You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION	You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION	You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION	You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION	You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION	You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION	You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION	You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION	You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION	You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION	You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half.. The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION	You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither.. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION	You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

SOUTHERN RULES!

Wed, 15 Mar 2006 05:07:23 GMT

If you are going to live or visit in the South, you need to know these rules.

1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent.

4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for -- bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.

8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

9. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet. Y ou want it hot -- sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened -- add a lot of water.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

11. So you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast). We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.

14. We don't do "hurry up" well.

15. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.

16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream (pronounced brim) and carp. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 85 goes two ways - Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.

18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want Cream of Wheat - go to Kansas. That would be I-40 west.

19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.

20. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators - and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.

22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot -- his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.

23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.

24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature -- all four of them -- enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner.

25. No, we don't care how you do things up North. If it is so great up there, why not visit a Northern state or stay there? And no, down here, we don't have an accent, you do.

HAPPY MARDI GRAS!

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 02:15:37 GMT

Today I spent a few hours mowing the grass in my back yard. During this job I happen to run over several red ant mounds. After running over these mounds I couldn’t help but wonder what the ants thought of this. Was this some sort of catastrophe like Hurricane Katrina to them? One minute they are happy and content in their little ant lives and all of a sudden there community is destroyed by some outside force. Was my mower like some kind of natural disaster to them? Was A.N.N. (Ant News Network) on the site and reporting about all the ant deaths and the lost ant families? Was there much finger (or what ever ants have) pointing and blaming on their Government officials? Where was AEMA (Ant Emergency Management Agency)? Where was the Queen? What did she know about the disaster and when did she know it? Were there various Ant leaders crying about the fate of the poor and disenfranchised black ants? Were there Ant looters and Ant disaster survivors looking for food? Did the Ant police walk off the job in disgust or fear or because of depression? Did lots of Ant celebrities show up to pose for the A.N.N. cameras and make statements about some far off war the Queen had her army ants fighting against some terrorist bees. Did the Queen bring in Army Ant Special Forces and Army Ant National Guard to patrol the neighbor hoods? Were there cries of antmanity from all over the Ant word? Will hearings be held on the Government failure to protect the ants from this “natural” disaster?

I doubt that any of this took place. Watching the ants, they scrambled around and started doing their job rebuilding their home with out assistance from the government or disaster agencies. They took care of themselves. They worked to rebuild themselves. Their mounds will probably be rebuilt with in a few days and I’ll have to rain death and destruction upon them again as I just can’t stand red ants as I’m allergic to them. Ant mounds work as a cohesive unit, building and supplying food and caring for their queen. We, humans, on the other hand work as an individual unit. What happened in New Orleans has many faults and much blame to go around. Should New Orleans still be in the news? I don’t really have the answer to that. Being from Louisiana and seeing what is going on here with the “rebuilding” plans and looking at what is being done in Mississippi and Alabama and Texas all I can assume is that New Orleans is trying come back. Like the ants, it has lots of people both local and outside workers helping to rebuild New Orleans. There are lots of people displaced and unable to return. We have all read the stories of the evacuees in the hotels pissing and moaning about getting tossed out on their collective asses. Where are they going to go and what are they going to do? Well, I really don’t give a fuck. It has been 6 months since the hurricane and you haven’t gotten a job or and apartment or other housing yet? Sorry, fuck you. Get up off of your damn welfare ass and do something. Become a productive member of society. Those people that had jobs, owned property and contributed to the city are welcome back. If you were a welfare rat, well, you can get welfare anywhere. Don’t come back.

I say, take the 9^th ward and let all that property be sold at fare market value to the highest bidder and let the rebuilding begin. Take it and sell it to the mega casinos/resorts out of Las Vegas. Give them huge tax breaks but demand they build a casino/resort of a certain minimum size. Make New Orleans the Las Vegas of the south. To do that we of course would need to elect some “Good” people and get rid of all the old ass cronies that are there now. I say redo the entire state levee board system to just 1 maybe 2 levee boards and staff them with engineers that know what they are doing. Not what they have now. Louisiana needs a complete redo of its political system. From local levels all the way up to the state level.

New Orleans just had its first Mardi Gras since the hurricane. It was small and crowds were less but it was still a party none the less. Good for them. They needed it. With that all said I’ll end this with La Lazie Bon Temps Rouler, LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL!

Fri, 20 Jan 2006 19:42:28 GMT

I never get a bartender like this.

Mon, 09 Jan 2006 02:52:46 GMT

Quote

Performance Bartending
This is kind of like Cocktail, except that it doesn't have that ridiculous Beach Boys song in it.

Courtesy of IFILM

The Seven Days of Christmas (for Katrina Survivors)

Fri, 16 Dec 2005 01:45:03 GMT

The Twelve Days of Post-Katrina Christmas

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
The power turned back on by Entergy.

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
Two rubber gloves
And the power turned back on by Entergy.

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
Three flood adjusters
Two rubber gloves
And the power turned back on by Entergy.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
Four jugs of bleach
Three flood adjusters
Two rubber gloves
And the power turned back on by Entergy.

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
Five MREs!
Four jugs of bleach
Three flood adjusters
Two rubber gloves
And the power turned back on by Entergy.

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
Six FEMA payments
Five MREs!
Four jugs of bleach
Three flood adjusters
Two rubber gloves
And the power turned back on by Entergy.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
Seven sacks of sheetrock
Six FEMA payments
Five MREs!
Four jugs of bleach
Three flood adjusters
Two rubber gloves
And the power turned back on by Entergy.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
Eight electricians wiring
Seven sacks of sheetrock
Six FEMA payments
Five MREs!
Four jugs of bleach
Three flood adjusters
Two rubber gloves
And the power turned back on by Entergy.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
Nine sweepers sweeping
Eight electricians wiring
Seven sacks of sheetrock
Six FEMA payments
Five MREs!
Four jugs of bleach
Three flood adjusters
Two rubber gloves
And the power turned back on by Entergy.

On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
Ten dump trucks hauling
Nine sweepers sweeping
Eight electricians wiring
Seven sacks of sheetrock
Six FEMA payments
Five MREs!
Four jugs of bleach
Three flood adjusters
Two rubber gloves
And the power turned back on by Entergy.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
Eleven roofers roofing
Ten dump trucks hauling
Nine sweepers sweeping
Eight electricians wiring
Seven sacks of sheetrock
Six FEMA payments
Five MREs!
Four jugs of bleach
Three flood adjusters
Two rubber gloves
And the power turned back on by Entergy.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
Twelve plumbers plumbing
Eleven roofers roofing
Ten dump trucks hauling
Nine sweepers sweeping
Eight electricians wiring
Seven sacks of sheetrock
Six FEMA payments
Five MREs!
Four jugs of bleach
Three flood adjusters
Two rubber gloves
And the power turned back on by Entergyyyyy! PLEASE! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!

Recent trip to New Orleans

Mon, 05 Dec 2005 03:49:25 GMT

Recently I made a trip to New Olreans to check things out for myself. I rode down to the Lakeside area of the city. This is where the first levee gave way. On this site you will see some of the pictures from that trip. You really can't describe it. You hear the news assholes refer to it as looking like a war zone. I had always thought that was not right.......until I saw it for myself. I really didn't feel anything while I was looking and taking pictures. No sorrow, no greif...nothing. I was indeed stunned though. You can't imagine the damage. You see piles and piles of debris piled by the street. Each day this is hauled off and dumped. You come off the interstate and there is a huge area where they are dumping the trees that have been uprooted and cut up. As you ride down the street every house is affected. Some housed you see watermarks above the windows. Some you see no watermarks on the walls at all, those watermarks are on the roofs. There are huge X's painted on the doors or walls of houses and on the sides of cars. There is a date on the top of the X and a number at the bottom. That is the date that house was inspected and the number at the bottom are the number of dead found there. Where we were driving around we saw only 2 places that had dead found there. One was and apartment complex, 30 dead there and a house, 3 dead there. We managed to get to the levees that broke and you will see those pics here as well. If we would have had more time we would have traveled into more areas. One area we went into where 2nd levee broke, I'm assuming it is the 9th ward, it was totally silent. It was erie. No children playing, no car horns blowing, no music playing. Nothing, just plain old dead silence. We drove about 10 minutes from there into the French Quarter and it was a whole different scene there. It was business as usual which is very very good. The city needs that. Still though, it is an odd feeling. We saw a few hotels with some windows blown out and covered up but not all that bad. We ate lunch, walked around a bit and finished it off at Cafe Du Monde'. As we headed out we passed by the Hyatt Regency and it was still a mess. All of the windows are gone. I thought about the fantastic resturant they have at the top of the Regency that revolves around in a circle as you eat. You have a fantastic view of the city and it makes one circle during about the time it takes you to order and get your meal and finish eating. I guess that will be no more. The SuperDome you couldn't even tell what had happend there. There were 2 huge trucks out front with some kind of fan generator and I'm assuming that there were blowing air through huge hoses to dry things out. The ceiling looked to be repaired. I hope to go down there again before too long and take more pictures. After viewing all the devistation, I still do not hold the federal goverment responsible, I hold our local and state officials responsible. Thats my opinion and I'm sticking to it. Check out the pic and then pray for the recovery of New Orleans.

Excitment at work tonight!

Thu, 01 Dec 2005 09:36:43 GMT

Well what an exciting night at work tonight. It seems we had 3 individuals that showed up here tonight and wanted to use the phone. 1 black guy, 1 white guy and 1 white girl. What and odd combination of friends to be hanging around in the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere looking to use a phone because their vehicle broke down. A vehicle that we here at work didn’t see parked anywhere. While making their “phone” call one of the 3 asked if we were hiring. Well being since it is around 2: am I would have to say no we are not hiring especially them since the appeared to be Crack Heads. I just don’t think that either of the three would pass the drug screen. The inbound supervisor decided to call the police to have the escort them off of the property (good call on his part). The inbound supervisor decided to move his pick up truck and me; well I decided to arm myself. Shortly after contacting the police we received a call from the police to check on them and see if they were still there and if they had left to try to see where they had walked off to. It seems that the 3 upstanding youths had just robbed a man at knife point not far from work and the police had been looking for them. The supervisor walked outside to “chat” with them just about the time the police pulled up. I was standing at the front door with the door open holding the door watching. The police got out of their cars with their guns drawn and made everyone (except me) lay on the ground, my supervisor included. The police were looking for 1 black guy, 1 white guy and 1 white girl. They found 1 black guy, 1 white guy and 1 white girl. Only problem here is the white guy was my supervisor. I informed the officers in no uncertain terms that they had my supervisor handcuffed and I would appreciate it if they would release him because I need him at work doing his job and not laying on the wet ground next to a panty less crack head hooker and her black boyfriend/pimp/friend/dealer what ever the fuck he was. The officer in no uncertain terms basically told me to go fuck myself, well not in those words. While the one officer held them on the ground at gun point the other officer searched our freight yard here and located the other suspect laying under a piece of cardboard behind some trailers. They released our supervisor and thanked us for our help. I congratulated the supervisor on catching the bad guys. They went off to jail and we went back to work with a story to tell. Just another day in the life of a freight man.

UPDATE!

Well, It turns out it wasn't a robbery after all and a prostitution deal gone bad. Ahhh to have the life of a Crack Head.

What "Angel" are you? Me, well I'm not a nice one.

Tue, 22 Nov 2005 00:31:04 GMT

Which Warrior Angel are You and Whose Side are You On? (With Anime Pics)

Dark Warrior

Class: Cherub
Alliance: Dark

You are 100% fire and brimstone and a force to be reckoned with. You are passionate and hot-tempered and believe in using force to achieve your desired outcome. You enjoy striking fear in the hearts of others.

Your Angelic Name: Malefica

NEW ORLEANS (NAWLINS') SPEAK!

Mon, 17 Oct 2005 07:31:31 GMT

A Lexicon of New Orleans Speech

ALGERIAN - Someone from Algiers (the only part of the City of New Orleans to lie on the West Bank). Some locals say "Algereens", but we always said Algerians. It's funnier.

ALLIGATOR PEAR - Avocado.

ANYWAYS - And, then; and, so.

ARABIAN - Someone from Arabi, in St. Bernard Parish. See "Algerian".

AWRITE - The appropriate response to the greeting "Where y'at?" Also, a greeting in and of itself: "Awrite, Ed!"

AWRITE, HAWT - A female response of agreement.

AX - Ask.

BANQUETTE - The sidewalk. Pronounced <BANK-it>. Usage fairly rare nowadays.

BAT'TROOM - A room in the house where one doesn't find bats, but where one bathes, attends to the elimination of bodily waste, or locks oneself in and cries until one gets one's way.

BERL - To cook by surrounding something in hot, bubbling 212°F liquid; the preferred method for cooking shellfish.

BINHAVIN, BEEN HAVIN' - To have had something for a long time, as in . Q: "How long ya had dat dress? A: "Oh, I binhavin dat."

BINLOOKIN, BEEN LOOKIN' - To have searched for something for a long time, as in "I binlookin f'dat book."

BOBO - A small injury or wound.

BOO - A term of endearment, frequently used by parents and grandparents for small children, even small children who happen to be 40 years old ... Believed to be Cajun in origin.

BRA - A form of address for men, usually one with whom you are not acquainted. Usually used in this manner: "Say, bra ..." The preferred term of address of SWEATS.

BRAKE TAG - An inspection sticker on your car, proof that you've passed the required annual safety inspection. It encompasses several areas of your car (e.g., horn, wipers, etc.) but is primarily concerned with the integrity of your brakes. Given the fact that New Orleans is surrounded by various lakes, rivers and canals, a bad set of brakes could mean that you might end up at the bottom of one of those bodies of water at the very least. Throughout New Orleans (although I'm not sure about other parts of Louisiana), the inspection sticker is called a "brake tag". If it's expired and you get pulled over, you're guaranteed to get a ticket. (Believe me, I know.)

BY MY HOUSE, BY YOUR HOUSE, etc. - Analogous to the French terms "chez moi", "chez toi", etc. Usage: "He slept by my house last night." "At" is never used in this sense.

CAP - A form of address for men, usually ones with whom you are not acquainted. Women generally do not use this term. See also PODNA and BRA.

CATLICK - The predominant religion in New Orleans. And, according to some Baptists, all Hell-bound.

CEMENT - A standard English word, but with a special pronunciation. Locals say <SEE-ment>, not <s@-MENT>.

CHALMETIAN, CHALMATION - Someone from Chalmette, a city in St. Bernard Parish that's part of the New Orleans "metro area". Occasionally used as an insult. (Many New Orleanians have a low opinion of Chalmette.) Out-of-towners often pronounce it with the hard "ch" sound as in "charge". It's more like <shall-MAY-shen> or <shall-ME-shen>, and the city is pronounced <shall-MET>.

CHARMER - The quintessential female Yat. Pronounced <CHAW-muh>.

CHIEF, CHEEF - A form of address between men, along the lines of "cap" and "podna".

COARDNER - Corner. As in, "I'm going down to the coardner to get me a shrimp po-boy." This is a contribution from native New Orleanian Powtawche N. Williams, who says, "My family in the 7th Ward uses it all the time." (I've never heard it, me ... but my family's from da 9th Ward, so who knows?)

CUSH-CUSH, KUSH-KUSH, COUCHE-COUCHE - An old French/Cajun breakfast dish my grandmother used to prepare. The words rhyme with "push", and it is prepared by browning or searing cornmeal in an oil glazed pot till light brown, then served hot with sugar and milk in a bowl, just like cereal. (Contributed by Ave from Chalmette)

DA - The.

DAT - That.

DAWLIN' - A universal form of address. Women use it to refer to both sexes, men use it toward women.

DEM - Them.

DERE - There. As in "Dere ya go!", an expression of encouragement or acknowledgement of having done something for someone else.

DESE, DOSE - These, those.

DIS - This.

DODO, MAKE DODO - Sleep. From the Cajun French "fais do do", or "make sleep". In Acadiana, the term "fais do do" is used for a Cajun dance, and is thought to have originated when the parents would tell their kids to hurry up and "fais do do" so that they could go to the dance; alternately, it's said that the hosts of the house dances (bals de maison) would have a separate room for parents to put their small children, and the lady watching them would keep singing lullabyes and saying "fais do do" so that they could sleep amidst the din of the dancing Cajuns.

DOUBLOON - A coin, approximately the size of a silver dollar, minted on a yearly basis by the various Mardi Gras krewes. The standard type is made of aluminum and they're thrown from Mardi Gras floats by the parade riders. The distinctive sound of a doubloon hitting da cement is enough to start a mad scramble, where you're likely to trample on an old lady, or alternately be trampled by an old lady.

Doubloons usually come in a variety of colors, and collectors try not only to collect all available colors, but also the exclusive krewe members-only versions made of brushed aluminum, brass or even silver. Doubloons have traditionally been collected with great fervor and rabidity, but from what I can tell their popularity has fallen off over the years. Pronounced <d@-BLOON>, and the cries of "Da-BLOOOOON!!! Da-BLOOOOOOON!!!" can often be heard along parade routes.

Unfortunately, the passion for catching doubloons and for doubloon collecting seems to have waned in recent years. Seems people want cups, or those stupid long strings of beads, rather than a nice, collectible doubloon. I think it's a shame.

DOWN DA ROAD - A staple in the vocabulary of the St. Bernard Parish Yat, along with up da road. This term is travel directions for someone headed to lower St. Bernard Parish traveling on St. Bernard Highway (US Highway 46). You are usually in da parish when you use this phrase with a destination of either Violet or Poydras. For example: "Let's go down da road and pass over by the trailah pawk."

DRESSED - When ordering a po-boy, "dressed" indicates lettuce, tomatoes, pickles and MYNEZ, on it. See NUTTINONIT.

EARL, ERL -
1. A vegetable product used for cooking, making roux, etc.
2. A petroleum product used to lubricate the engine of your car.
3. Your Uncle Earl. (Most New Orleanians have an Uncle Earl; I do.)

ELLESHYEW - Louisiana State University, Baton Rouge. Occasionally preceded by the term, "Go ta hell ..."

ERNGE, URNGE - An orange-colored citrus fruit.

ERSTERS, ERSTAS - Oysters.

ESPLANADE - Walkway. The street name is pronounced <es'-pl@-NADE>, and the last syllable rhymes with "raid", not "rod".

FAUBOURG - A suburb or outlying neighborhood, as in Faubourg Marigny. Usually pronounced <FO-berg> by natives.

FLYIN' HORSES - Accented on the first syllable. A merry-go-round, sometimes specifically describing the merry-go-round in City Park, but also used in general. I've never heard this term used outside of New Orleans to describe a merry-go-round or carousel.

FOR - a preposition used by New Orleanians instead of "at" or "by" when referring to time. E.g., "Da parade's for 7:00, but we betta get dere for 6 if we wanna find pawkin'." This one tends to be particularly confusing to non-natives.

F'SURE! -
1. A statement of agreement. See YEAH YOU RITE.
2. An excellent (but out of print) book by local artist Bunny Matthews, featuring cartoons with "actual dialogue heard on the streets of our metropolis".

F'TRUE - Pronounced <f@-TROO>. When phrased as a question, it means "Is that so?" or "Ya kiddin'!!". When phrased as a statement, it's an affirmation, a shortened version of "Nuh uh, I ain't lyin' ta ya ..."

GAWD - A supernatural deity, worshipped by most New Orleanians.

GO CUP - A paper or plastic cup for consumption of alcoholic beverages out on the street, as open glass containers (and cans too, I think) are illegal. As a Bunny Matthews bartender character once said, "Here, cap -- I gotta give ya dis beer in a cup, 'cos da City Council passed dis law sayin' I can go ta Angola fa serving ya a beer in a goddamn beer can ..."

Many non-New Orleanians are astonished that we can drink out on the street in go cups. When I left New Orleans, I was astonished that you can't do it anywhere else (which nearly got me arrested in Los Angeles ... uncivilized savages.)

GOUT - Pronounced <GOO>. French for "taste." Usually applied to coffee. As in, "You want a little gout?" Mostly old people are the only ones still saying this.

GRIP - A small suitcase, usually not a hard-shell one, more like a schoolbag or an overnight bag. Other locals have used this to refer to all types of suitcases. "Don't fo'get ya grip!", says ya mamma, as you're leaving the house.

GRIPPE - The flu.

GRIS-GRIS - Pronounced <GREE-GREE>. Noun, A (voodoo) spell. Can be applied for nefarious purposes ("to put a gris-gris on someone"), or as a force to ward off evil, like wearing a gris-gris bag (the folks at the Voodoo Shop on Dumaine will make one to order for about $20).

HAWT - A term of endearment used primarily by local females.

HEY, BAY-BEE! - Pronounced <hey, BAAAAAAAY-bee> with the "BAY" drawn way out. A greeting between any two people of either gender.

HICKEY - A knot or bump you get on your head when you bump or injure your head. Everywhere else in the world a hickey is what you get on your neck after necking. Not in New Orleans. See PASSION MARK.

HOUSE COAT 'N CURLAS - The preferred dress for charmers while shopping at Schwegmann's.

HUCK-A-BUCKS or HUCKLE-BUCKS - Frozen Kool-Aid in a Dixie cup. A way to keep cool during the summer. I had never neard this term growing up, but contributor Milton Cloutier from the 7th Ward says they used this term in his neighborhood, and another 7th Warder, Darrel Schexnayder, adds even more:

The term was very common for me growing up in the 7th Ward. Neighbors would sell the frozen treats for a nickel, along time ago. Sometimes we'd make them ourselves. They were as popular as "snow-balls" are/were to the rest of New Orleans.

There is even proper etiquette for eating huckle-bucks (as I used to call them). The first thing you have to do after paying your nickel/quarter or whatever the cost:
1. Warm the sides until the frost is mostly gone 2. To loosen the frozen berg from its Dixie cup confines by pushing up on the bottom of the cup. 3. Carefully flip it over so that tapered-down bottom is up and out. There are three major advantages to this technique -- (1) that's where to best flavor resides; (2) easy access to the body of the flavored ice and (3) some folks would wrap a coin in Saran Wrap and place it at the bottom.

Musta been a 7th Ward thing. :-)

I'LL TAKE ME A ... - May I have a ...

INKPEN - A ball-point pen, or any kind of pen, really. Always heavy emphasis on the first syllable ... "Lemme borra ya INKpen, awrite?"

INSURANCE - Pronounced <IN-sure-ence>.

JAMBALAYA - A rice-based dish containing meat and seafood, prepared in a nearly infinite variety of ways by Louisianians. The usual out-of-towner mispronunciation has the first syllable rhyming with "jam", when it should rhyme with "Tom" . <jom'-b@-LIE-@>, secondary accent on first syllable, primary accent on third. But one local pronunciation that was brought to my attention (although nobody in my family said it this way) is <JUM-b@-lie'-@>, primary accent of first syllable which rhymes with "bum", secondary accent on third syllable.

JAWN - The most popular boys' name in English, pronounced this way among Localese-speakers. Also, a pot ta pee in. Rhymes with "lawn". See TURLET.

K&B, KB, KB's - A local drug store for decades, beloved by locals, whose trademark color was a deep, violent purple. Everything in KB was purple, from the price tags to the ink pens (and their ink) to the managers' and cashiers' vests. In the old days, K&B used to have lunch counters and soda fountains, but these were all gone by the time I was in high school in the mid- to late 70s. Also in the old days, there were radio and TV jingles for K&B, the lyrics of which were, "Look on every corner and what do you see? A big purple sign that says 'Your Friendly K&B!'" In schoolyards, the lyrics were often changed to have the big purple sign say something uncomplimentary and/or obscene. "K&B" stands for "Katz and Besthoff".

Alas, K&B is no more, having been bought out by some vile Northern chain who changed the chain's name to "Rite Aid" and got rid of the purple. I will never shop there again under any circumstances for as long as I live. It's Walgreen's or Eckerd for me from now on.

"Streetcar" Mike Strauch has put up a K&B memorial page, with the background a brilliant, beautiful K&B purple (see below).

K&B PURPLE - A particular shade of purple that you'll know if you know K&B. Used in phrases like, "He was so mad, his face was K&B purple", or, "I can't believe ya bought dat ugly car! It's K&B purple!"

LAGNIAPPE - Pronounced <LAN-yap>. A little something extra. Lagniappe is when your butcher gives you a pound and two ounces of hot sausage but only charges you for a pound, or when the waiter at your favorite restaurant brings you an extra dessert or something, and doesn't charge you. Lagniappe breeds good will, friendship and most importantly, return business. Also, "Lagniappe" is the name of the entertainment pull-out section of the Friday edition of The New Orleans Times-Picayune.

LOCKA - Where you hang your clothes, analogous to the English word "closet". Example: "Mom-MAH! Where my shoes at?" "Looka in ya locka!" (See LOOKA) Occasionally spelled "locker", as if it was proper English. Generally always used in place of the word "closet", but I must confess I have yet to hear this term used in the context of a gay or lesbian person "comin' outta da locka ..." :^)

LOOKA - The imperative case of the verb "to look". Usually accompanied by a pointing gesture. Often used as a single exclamation: "Looka!"

LOOKIT DA T.V. - To watch T.V. Locals don't watch T.V., they look at it. Oh, and in proper Localese form, it's pronounced <TEE-vee>, emphasis on the first syllable.

MAKE GROCERIES, MAKIN' GROCERIES - To do grocery shopping. Thought to have originated with the French expression for grocery shopping, "faire le marché". The verb "faire" can mean either "to do" or "to make", and the idiom may have been mistranslated.

MARDI GRAS - This grand pre-Lenten celebration for which New Orleans is famous is pronounced <MAW-dee GRAW>.

MARRAINE - Pronounced <MAH-ran>. Your godmother. Elsewhere the terms "nanny" and "nanan" (pronounced NAH-nan) are also used for godmother.

MAW-MAW - Ya grandma.

MIRLITON - A vegetable pear or chayote squash, which grows wild in Louisiana and in backyards throughout New Orleans. Pronounced <MEL-lee-tawn>, and wonderful when stuffed with shrimp and ham dressing ... have a look at the recipe.

MUFFULETTA - A quintessential New Orleans Italian sancwich, of ham, Genoa salami, mortadella, Provolone cheese and marinated olive salad on a round seeded Italian loaf. Invented at Central Grocery on Decatur in da Quarter. Locals pronounce this <muff-@-LOT-@>, and will tend to just abbreviate it as "muff". But if you ask a member of the Tusa family (the proprietors of Central), they'll pronounce it in elegantly proper Italian as <moo-foo-LET-ta>.

MYNEZ - Mayonnaise.

NEUTRAL GROUND - The grassy or cement strip in the middle of the road. The terms "median" and/or "island" are NEVER used in New Orleans. Use of one of those foreign terms instead of "neutral ground" is a dead giveaway that you ain't from around here, or anywhere close. If you're lucky, you live on a street with a neutral ground big enough to play football on.

NEW ORLEENS - The way silly tourists pronounce "New Orleans". Natives do not do this. Exception -- song lyrics, as in "Do You Know What It Means to Miss New Orleans", for example, and when omitting the "New", as in "Orleans Parish", which is always pronounced <or-LEENS>. Confusing, isn't it? More on this below.

NUTTINONIT - A po-boy that is not dressed, which only contains the main ingredient(s).

ON DA WES' BANK, ACROSS DA RIVUH, OVA DA RIVUH - On the West Bank of the Mississippi River, where such places as Algiers, Gretna and Marrero lie. Interestingly, the West Bank is due south of New Orleans (except for Algiers, of course). Make sense? Thought not.

OR WHAT - Pronounced <r WUT>, and placed at the end of a question: "You gonna finish eatin' dat, 'r what?"

OVA BY - A general replacement for the prepositions "at" and "to", particularly when referring to someone's home, or a destination in general. "Where ya goin'?" "Ova by ma mamma's."

PARISH - A Louisiana state administrative district, analogous to the American "county". When used by locals in the phrase "da parish", it generally means St. Bernard Parish specifically, which is suburban to New Orleans.

PARRAINE - Pronounced <PAH-ran>. Your godfather.

PASS BY - To stop at a place, for a visit or to accomplish something. "Ya gonna be home later? I'll pass by ya house." It doesn't mean just to drive by in your car and keep going ...

PASSION MARK - The little red mark you get on your neck (or elsewhere) after a passionate session of necking. Called a "hickey" or a "love bite" everywhere else, apparently. Pronounced <PASH'n mawk>, of course.

PECAN - A nut indigenous to the South, and beloved in New Orleans as an ingredient in pies and pralines. Pronounced <p@-KAWN>, not <PEE-can>.

PO-BOY - The quintessential New Orleans lunch, a sandwich on good, crispy New Orleans French bread. This definition doesn't begin to describe what a po-boy is all about, so if you really don't know you need to get one soon. Take a moment to read a little bit about po-boys.

PODNA - A form of address for men, usually for ones with whom one is not acquainted. Frequently used in the emphatic statement, "I tell you what, podna ."

PRALINE - A sugary Creole candy, invented in New Orleans (not the same as the French culinary/confectionery term "praline" or "praliné") The classic version is made with sugar, brown sugar, butter, vanilla and pecans, and is a flat sugary pecan-filled disk. Yummmmm. There are also creamy pralines, chocolate pralines, maple pralines, etc. Pecan pralines are the classic, though.

This is one of THE most mispronounced New Orleans terms of all.

It is ***N O T*** pronounced <PRAY-leen>.

It is pronounced <PRAH-leen>. Got it? Good.

REGULAH COFFEE - Not "Black Coffee" as in the rest of the country. "Regular" includes lots of sugar and cream. To drink black coffee in New Orleans will cause people to look at you as though you are from another planet. As a Café du Monde waiter was quoted in a Bunny Matthews "F'Sure!" comic strip, admonishing a tourist who had ordered black coffee, "Lissen cap ... I gotta tell ya, nobody drinks dis kinda cawfee black. So I ain't responsible if ya have a hawt attack 'r sump'in ..."

SCHWEGMANN'S BAG - A unit of measurement. Approximately 3 cubic feet. Derived from local icon Schwegmann Brothers Giant Supermarkets, who until recently had absolutely enormous paper bags in which they packed ya groceries. (Now they have those stupid tiny flimsy plastic bags just like everyone else.) Usage: "Hey, did ya catch a lot at da parade?" "Yeah you rite ... a whole Schwegmann bag full!" The apostrophe-s is optional.

SHOOT-DA-CHUTE - A playground slide.

SHOW, DA SHOW - The cinema. The movie house. The local motion picture emporium. Where works of cinematic art (or crappy flicks, depending) are shown. True New Orleanians never say, "I went to the movies", they say "I went to da show."

SILVER DIME - A small coin of U.S. currency, worth ten cents. Always pronounced with the emphasis on the first syllable, <SIL-vah dime>, even though they haven't been made of actual silver for over 35 years.

SKEETA HAWK - Or, "mosquito hawk", the local name for a dragonfly. I'm not sure if this is particular to New Orleans only, but since moving away I have never heard anyone else use the term.

SOSSIDGE - A meat preparation, made of various kinds of ground meats, seafood and spices, stuffed into a casing. Usually spelled "sausage" by English speakers, but pronounced in New Orleans as you see here, always <SAH-sage> and not <SAW-sage>.

STOOP - Usually expressed as "da stoop". The front steps to your house, particularly if it's a shotgun duplex. What ya go out and sit on to chat wit'ya neighbas (an' ta keep an eye on 'em). An example, (partially taken from a Bunny Matthews' "F'Sure!") strip:
"Turn on da A.C., Victa."
"Nuh uh, it ain't hot enough, it's still May. Let's go out and sit on da stoop."

SUCK DA HEAD, SQUEEZE DA TIP - The technique for eating crawfish. If you've never done this, have someone demonstrate.

SUG - A term of endearment used primarily by Yat females. Pronoucned <SHOOG> with a soft "oo" as in "book".

SWEATS - A sub-species of New Orleanian; early teens to late 40s, even, with unkempt appearance, dirty hair, heavy metal or biker t-shirts, droopy-eyed, low-intelligence, usually stoned, occasionally hostile. Preferred term of address, "Say, bra ..." Other terms for sweats, depending on your generation and neighborhood, are "loads" or "say-bras". In my day they were known to be fond of Cheech 'n Chong (which they pronounce CHEEK an' Chong) movies at the Chalmette, Lake Forest Plaza and Village Aurora Cinemas. Prone to ask brilliant questions like, "Say bra ... what time da midnight movie starts?" (This question was once actually asked of me, back when it was my lot in life to have been an usher at the Village Aurora Cinema in Algiers. You can't make stuff like this up. And a new one was contributed by Gumbo Pages reader Larry Beron: "A friend of mine went to the Rally's at Vets and Bonnabel in Metairie and overheard the driver of the car ahead of him ask the drive-up clerk, 'Say bra . how many meats y'all put on them double-cheeseburgers?'")

"THROW ME SOMETHIN, MISTA!" - The traditional (nay, required) request of a Mardi Gras paradegoer to a Mardi Gras parade rider, so that the rider will shower said paradegoer with cheap trinkets like beads, doubloons or cups (actually, the cups are highly coveted, more so than the doubloons are these days, apparently).

TURLET - Ya standard flushable porcelain waste disposal unit found in every bat'troom, referred to by English speakers as a "toilet". Also good for gettin' rid of nasty food ya snuck away from da table as a child (like ma mamma's roast beef ... yuck. That lady makes heavenly crawfish étouffée, but she just murders roast beef ...)

UPTOWN SIDE, DOWNTOWN SIDE, LAKESIDE, RIVERSIDE - The four cardinal points of the New Orleanian compass. "North, south, east, west" do not work in New Orleans.

VALISE - Suitcase.

VEDGEATIBBLE - Neither animal nor mineral. What ya mamma used to make ya eat before ya could leave the table when ya were a kid. The word has four syllables.

VIOLATION - A person from Violet, Louisiana, in St. Bernard Parish. I've never heard this one before, but it's hilarious. Contributed by Karen Schneider of the Southern Yat Club.

WHERE YA STAY (AT)? - Where do you live?

WHERE Y'AT! - The traditional New Orleanian greeting, and the source for the term "Yat", often used (primarily by non-New Orleanians, it is said) to describe New Orleanians with the telltale accent. The proper response is, "Awrite."

UMBRELLA - A standard English word, but with a special pronunciation. We say <UM-brel-l@>, not <um-BREL-l@>.

UP DA ROAD - Same as down da road, only now you are traveling in the opposite direction heading "up da road" to either Chalmette or Arabi.

WRENCH - To clean something under running water. "Aw baby, ya hands 'r filthy! Go wrench 'em off in da zink." See ZINK.

Y'ALL - The plural form of the second person verb, "you all". It's not pronounced as they would in the south, though -- no twang, no drawl, just "y'all". "You guys" is never said and is a dead giveaway that you're a Tulane student from New Jersey.

YA - You, your.

YA MAMMA - Your mother. Used in a variety of ways, usually endearing. Also usable as an insult, specifically as a simple retort when one is insulted first; simply say, "Ya mamma." Be prepared to defend yourself physically at this point. I once saw my classmate Vince G. beat the crap out of someone (and someone a year older, at that) back in high school at Holy Cross for uttering this retort.

YAMAMMA'N'EM - A collective term for your immediate family, as in "Hey dawlin', how's yamamma'n'em?" Spoken as one word.

YEAH YOU RITE - An emphatic statement of agreement and affirmation, sometimes used as a general exclamation of happiness. The accent is on the first word, and it's spoken as one word.

YEUHRM? - Do/Did you hear me? (Heard often at Schwegmann's.)

ZATARAIN'S - Pronounced <ZAT-@-rans>. A local manufacturer of spices, seasonings, pickled products and condiments. In context, it's used by some as a generic term for either crab boil or Creole mustard, as it "Put some Zatarain's on it," or "T'row a coupla bags o' Zatarain's in da pot." Context is important here; you don't want to put Creole mustard in a seafood boil.

ZINK - A receptacle for water with a drain and faucets. Where ya wrench off ya dishes or ya hands. See WRENCH.

A guide to the pronunciation of local place names

Some tourists come to New Orleans and, thinking that they know some French, will puff out their chests and pronounce local place names in a way that they think will help them fit in and endear themselves to the natives ... only to have the natives look upon them with pity and say, "Where ya from, dawlin'?"

For instance, some people will note with delight that we have streets named after the Nine Muses of classical Greek mythology, but would probably have a seizure if they heard how we pronounced them ("Calliope" still kills me .). And da French names often ain't what dey seem.

Here's a list of the ways the natives pronouce some of our our unique place names -- streets, cities and local features. Some of you may find them baffling, but don't think to ask why. We probably don't know anyway.

Special note: If you're a student DJ at WTUL and you're not a native of New Orleans ... READ THIS AND LEARN IT! Next time I hear one of y'all butcher our street names on our local airwaves, I'll pull your ribs out.

Okay, so ... if you really want to fit in, learn to pronounce things like this:

ALGIERS POINT - You're likely to hear this pronounced as <Algiers Pernt>

AUDUBON PARK - Avoid the French pronunciation (which is a good general rule for most New Orleanian place names) of <au-dû-boN> with the nasal "N". The local will pronounce this <AW-d@-b@n PAWK>.

THE BIG EASY - Avoid uttering this phrase at all costs. Under almost no circumstances would a native ever refer to the City in this way. One major (and baffling) exception: the local music and entertainment awards are called The Big Easy Awards.

BONNABEL - A major street (and high school) in Metairie. The proper pronunciation is apparently Bon-@-BELL, not BON-@-ble ... although most natives will pronounce it the latter way. I'm told it's a mispronunciation, to wit:

Hi, I have a pronunciation for you to add to the lexicon. I'm sure that my great-grandfather, Alfred Bonnabel, will appreciate this.

Bonnabel is pronounced Bon-@-BELL, NOT Bon-@-buhl. It is always mutilated on a regular basis and it drives us nuts! At one point, they had even mispelled one of the exit signs on I-10 to read "Bonnable Blvd."

An easy ay to rember is by thinking of my mother's name. It is Bonnie Belle. Cute, no?

Thanks,

Teri Lippincott, daughter of Bonnie Belle Lacey Lippincott

So saith the authority.

BURGUNDY STREET - Pronounced <bur-GUN-dee>. Don't pronounce it like the wine.

BURTHE STREET - in Uptown New Orleans. Pronounced <BYOOTH> ... sounds like "youth" with a B in front of it. Why? Beats the hell outta me. I'm told the street is named after a person, but I don't know the details. I'm also told it's a French name, but it surely wouldn't be pronounced like that in proper French (as if any New Orleans street name is). The local postmen know this pronunciation; apparently mail addressed to "Buth" or "Buthe" Street gets delivered just fine.

CADIZ STREET - Pronounced <KAY-diz>. In New Orleans, Spanish place names are butchered even woise den da French ones ...

CALLIOPE STREET - Pronounced, believe it or not, <CAL-lee-ope>, and not <k@-LIE-@-pee>. No doubt this particular Greek Muse is barfing up her lunch over on Olympus ... However, the steam organ on the riverboat Natchez that plays music is, in fact, the <k@-LIE-@-pee>. Go figure.

CANAL - Usage is always "da canal". The Industrial Canal, one of New Orleans' main waterways, along with "da lake" and "da river". I suppose some Metry-ites may use this term to refer to the 17th Street Canal. Also, Canal Street is the main thoroughfare of the Central Business District, and borders the French Quarter on the Uptown side.

CARONDELET STREET - Pronounced <k@-'ron-d@-LET>, not <k@-'ron-d@-LAY>.

CHARTRES STREET - Pronounced <CHAW-t@s> or <CHAW-tuhs>.

CHEF MENTEUR HIGHWAY - Pronounced <SHEF m@n-TOUR>. Most people just say "da Chef". And although it's U.S. 90, it's not really much of a highway anymore . "Da Chef" is actually pretty depressing these days. When I-10 was completed through New Orleans in the 60s, da Chef ceased to become a main thoroughfare for travelers, and gradually died. (And if da Chef is dead now, one can only imagine how scary Old Gentilly Road must be by now ...) Five miles outside of eastern New Orleans on da Chef is the site of the infamous Jayne Mansfield decapitation.

CLIO STREET - Pronounced <CLI-oh>. Also sometimes, by some folks in da neighbahood, as "CEE-ELL-TEN" ... I kid you not.

CONTI STREET - Pronounced <CON-tye>.

DA QUARTER - The French Quarter, pronounced <da QUAW-tah>.

DAUPHINE STREET - Pronounced <daw-FEEN>. Oddly enough, it's not unlike the actual French.

DECATUR SCREET - Pronounced <d@-KAY-ter>, not <'deck-@-TURE>. French people have problems with this one.

DERBIGNY STREET - Pronounced <DER-b@-nee> or <DOY-b@-nee< if you're a really hardcore Nint' Wawduh.

DORGENOIS STREET - Pronounced <DER-zhen-wah'>, secondary accent on third syllable.

DRYADES STREET - Pronounced <DRY-@ds>.

DUFOSSAT STREET - Pronounced <DOO-faucet>. A contributor writes, "When I was a kid I always interpreted it as having to do with faucets."

EUTERPE STREET - Pronounced <YOU-terp>.

FONTAINEBLEAU - Pronounced as if spelled "fountain blue".

IBERVILLE STREET - Pronounced <IB-ber-'vil>, not <EYE-ber-'vil>.

LOYOLA - The hardcore local pronunciation of this is <lye-OH-l@>.

MARIGNY STREET, FAUBOURG MARIGNY - Pronounced <MA-r@-nee>, with the "a" sounding like the "a" in "hat".

MAZANT STREET - Pronounced <MAY-zant>. Runs through the heart of Bywater in da Lowuh Nint' Ward. It's my family's old neighborhood; my grandparents ran a little neighborhood grocery store called Niedermeier's, which was on the corner of Mazant and Royal ... MAY-zant 'n RERL!

MELPOMENE STREET - Pronounced <MEL-p@-meen>.

METAIRIE - Standard New Orleanian pronunciation: <MET-@-ree>.
Hardcore local pronunciation: <MET-tree>, as if it was spelled (and sometimes is spelled), "Metry". Announcers on those mail-order product commercials that are made for local products, but who are not aware of the correct pronunciation, often pronounce it <m@-TAIR-ee>, much to to the amusement of the locals.

MILAN STREET - Pronounced <MY-lan>

NEW ORLEANS - This is a sticky subject. As Tim Lyman mentioned above, there are oodles of ways that the locals pronounce the name of their beloved City. Natives also seem to have an instinctive grasp of what a proper pronunciation is, and can spot it in native speakers outside the City.

First off, <new or-LEENS> is generally a no-no. It's like putting a big, red neon sign on your head that says, "I'm not from around here." As also mentioned above, the two main exceptions are when it's pronounced like that in song lyrics (easier to rhyme, but contributes to the confusion of non-natives) and when "Orleans" stands alone without the "New", as in Orleans Parish.

So of course, there are some exceptions to this rule. I have on occasion heard some African-American native New Orleanians use the above pronunciation. I didn't say this was going to be consistent or that it wasn't going to be confusing, did I?

Here are the major standard local pronunciations of the City's name: <new OR-l@ns>, <new AW-l@ns>, <new OR-lee-'@ns> <new AH-lee-@ns>, <nyoo AH-lee-'@ns>. The fabled "N'Awlins", pronounced <NAW-l@ns>, is used by some natives for amusement, and by some non-natives who think they're being hip, but actually I've come across very few locals who actually pronounce the name of the City in this way.

Ben Fortson, an Uptown boy, adds, "There are also versions without the final -s, as in Fats Domino's "walkin' to Noo Awlin". The s-lessness is presumably from the French. Also, "Noo Awyuns", with a -y- instead of an -l-, is pretty common in my experience, and kind of interesting from a linguistic point of view. By the way, the shorter versions like Nawlins and Nawlns that you say aren't used much by locals have in fact been used at least by me all my life, for what that's worth. Maybe Uptown is diff'rint." (Yeah, it is, bra . it's where dey got all dem shoits wid da lil' gators on 'em, and everyone has 59 rows o' teeth!)

PLAQUEMINES PARISH - Pronounced <PLACK-@-m@ns>.

PONTCHARTRAIN - Pronounced <PONCH-a-train> locally. Or you can just say, "Da Lake".

POYDRAS STREET - Pronounced <PER-dr@s> by truly hardcore locals, <POY-dr@s> by everyone else.

PRYTANIA STREET - Pronounced <pr@-TAN-y@>.

THE RIGOLETS - Pronounced <da RIG-@-lees>.

ROYAL STREET - Pronounced <RERL>, to rhyme with "pearl". A strong localese pronunciation.

SOCRATES STREET - In Algiers, across da river. Pronounced <SO crates>, like the word "so" and the word "crates". I kid you not.

TCHOUPITOULAS STREET - Pronounced <'chop-@-TOO-l@s>. It's easier to pronounce than to spell. Spelling "Tchoupitoulas" is the true test of a native; if New Orleans was a country at war, you'd ask a guy to spell this to make sure he was on your side, just like in all the old WWII movies.

TERPSICHORE STREET - Pronounced <TERP-s@-core>.

THIBODEAUX - Pronounced <TIB-@-doe>.

TONTI STREET - Pronounced <TON-tee>, with the "o" sound as in "box".

TOULOUSE STREET - Pronounced <TOO-loose>.

TUJAGUE'S - A venerable French Quarter restaurant, highly recommended. However, some tourists have expressed reticence to go to a restaurant whose name they can't pronounce. All such folks will do well to pronounce it <TOO-jacks>.

TULANE - Pronounced <TOO-lane>. Never, ever pronounce this <tu-LANE>, or you'll immediately be mistaken for a college student from New Jersey. Also, you're liable to have someone get in your face about it, like my brother-in-law Jeff Willmon does when he hears this ...

"No. If you're gonna come to my city, and go to my school, you're gonna pronounce it my way."

You tell 'em, bra.

UGLESICH'S - The best restaurant in the city? Some might say so. Certainly a must for any fan of New Orleans cooking. Anthony and Gail Uglesich operate this tiny, atmosphere-free (but rich in local color) restaurant that's only open weekdays until 4 (you don't wanna be on that part of Baronne Street after dark, no). Pronounced <YOU-gla-sitch-is>, although I've heard some natives just call it "Ugly's".

VETERANS HIGHWAY - Hardcore locals pronounce this with only two syllables ... <VET-tr@ns>.

VIEUX CARRÉ - Pronounced <VYOO ka-RAY>. Literally means "old square", and it means Da French Quarter, the site of Bienville's original New Orleans settlement.

TRUE or FALSE!

Mon, 17 Oct 2005 06:37:28 GMT

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburator.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

ALL OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE! (Now go back and think about No. 16!)

Things to do in an Elevator

Mon, 17 Oct 2005 00:03:26 GMT

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.

4) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

5) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

6) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

7) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

8) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

9) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"

10) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

11) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

12) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

13) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

14) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

15) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"

YOU LIVE ON THE GULF COAST IF......

Sat, 01 Oct 2005 01:49:45 GMT

You Live On The Gulf Coast If

1. You have FEMA's number on your speed dialer.
2. You have more than 300 'C' and 'D' batteries in your kitchen
drawer.
3. Your pantry contains more than 20 cans of Spaghetti Os.
4. You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood
covering your windows.
5. When describing your house to a prospective buyer, you say it
has three bedrooms, two baths, and one safe hallway.
6. Your SSN isn't a secret, it's written in Sharpie on your arms.
7. You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.
8. You are delighted to pay $3 for a gallon of regular unleaded.
9. The road leading to your house has been declared a 'No-Wake'
Zone.
10. You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom
of
the pool.
11. You own more than three large coolers.
12. You can wish that other people get hit by a hurricane and not
feel
the least bit guilty about it.
13. You rationalize helping a friend board up by thinking, "It'll
only
take a gallon of gas to get there and back."
14. You have 2-liter coke bottles and milk jugs filled with water in
your freezer.
15. Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you
can
assemble a portable generator by candlelight.
16. You catch a 13-pound redfish ---- in your driveway.
17. You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner's
insurance policy.
18. At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the
biggest
chainsaw.
19. You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row.
20. There is a roll of tarpaper in your garage.
21. You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who
work at the Weather Channel and every single newscaster and reporter at
all
of the major stations in town.
22. Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.
23. Ice is a valid topic of conversation.
24. Your "drive-thru" meal consists of MRE's and bottled water.
25. Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.

26. You spend more time on your roof then in your living room.
27. You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, fence
builder, or
a tree worker.
28. You don't worry about relatives wanting to visit during the
summer.
29. Your child's first words are "hunker down" and you didn't go to
Ole
Miss!
30. Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean it's
Christmas.
31. You know the difference between the "good side" of a storm and
the
"bad side."
32. Your kids start school in August and finish in July.
33. You go to work early and stay late just to enjoy the air
conditioning.
34. You get phone calls from family members saying they've found
bread
at a store 6 miles away... and you hurry to get there.
35. You wait in line for 45 minutes for a loaf of bread and don't
mind
because at least you have bread.
36. A battery powered TV is considered a home entertainment center.

Hi ya!

Mon, 19 Sep 2005 19:16:35 GMT